Rules for the Restroom

The bathroom at work has become a constant source of consternation for me. I like to be the only one in there. This is not always easily accomplished, as you can imagine, in a busy office building. My one female staff member and I have an unspoken bathroom agreement: if one of us is in there (despite there being 4 stalls) the other one waits. This works swimmingly. Unfortunately, said agreement does not hold for all of the other offices in the building and their numerous guests. Sometimes, if I see someone walk into the restroom ahead of me, I'll go upstairs instead. That bathroom is always empty. ALWAYS. I like to pee in peace. I don't think there's anything wrong or unusual with that.

If you should find yourself in the bathroom when I'm there as well, here are some things you should keep in mind:

1. No talking on your cell phone in the bathroom, and especially not in the stall while you're going. I'm sure the person on the other end of your call probably doesn't want to know that you're taking care of business while you're taking care of business. When people are on their phones in neighboring stalls, I always flush the toilet, even if it's premature. I like to prove a point passive-aggressively.

2. You should not breathe loudly while in the stall next to me. Are you having some sort of problem? You should be able to conduct your business without exhaling at an excessive volume.

3. Please do not speak directly to me while either of us are in the stall. Questions such as, "How are you today?" should be reserved for co-handwashing time only and even then, I'm not going to make eye contact with you. If you're in the stall talking to me while I wash my hands, know that I will walk out of the bathroom while you are still talking because conversations of this nature make me uncomfortable.

4. Please wipe the seat after you're finished. I don't know what some of you are doing in there to manage getting water (I hope) on the seat but save the rest of us the grief and be a sweetie, wipe the seatie.

This, in my opinion, is only proper etiquette and should be observed by all bathroom goers, whether you're peeing in the Blue Ash Business Place or elsewhere.